Today is my dad’s birthday. Growing up, his birthday was always a day my sister and I dreaded because it seemed like he was extra nasty on “his day”. During the two years my father was sober, I actually enjoyed celebrating his birthday- we would BBQ or go out to brunch and he was pleasant and grateful for whatever gifts we gave him.
About 8 months ago, I found my dad the most perfect birthday card. My family has a joke about chihuahuas and I found a card in the shape of that dog. Even though it was so many months before his birthday, I bought the card anyway and saved it until now. (Side note: I LOVE cards and have several card boxes full of cards for any occasion!!)
Now that my father is drinking again, I don’t even want to give the card to him. I know that sounds very silly and petty, but it is not really about the card at all. It is about the fact that for the past couple of years I enjoyed having a relationship with my father and throughout that time, I enjoyed family holidays again and looked forward to other occasions to celebrate. I guess when I look back on myself buying that card eight months ago, I feel dumb for how naive I was. His sobriety (following a stroke) was so abrupt and so absolute (pun intended) that I just blindly believed it was going to last. I took that card out of the box today and just felt sad. The dad that I bought that card for is gone…once again replaced by the alcoholic I am all too familiar with. And that’s really nothing to celebrate.
Anxious ACOA 
Doesn’t sound silly or petty, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not giving a card to someone who has brought you so much pain.
On the other hand, if it’s a family joke, your sister might appreciate the card on her birthday…
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Perhaps in buying that card you were feeling hopeful, as opposed to naive. And now that’s gone. I know that rollercoaster. Alcohol steals lives. Big hugs.
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I know that feeling all too well. Every time my mom got sober for a period of time I always was hopeful but was immediately let down when she would start drinking again. And every time I was hopeful I felt so stupid for having an ounce of hope.Three years ago I finally had to end any relationship with her because my relationship with her was affecting me so negatively I was bringing into my relationship. We were able to spend one summer together, sort of until she fell off the wagon and resorted back to her abusive self. After the restraining order and moving away from home I have been able to move forward and start the healing process. But I just went home this past weekend and saw her on the side of the road still homeless and wandering the streets looking for that next bottle and I just choked up. Your not alone.
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I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have contact with your mother, but it sounds like you were pushed into a “save yourself” scenario. My friend’s mother relapsed several times, so I went through that with her, but my dad only got sober that one time.
I’m really sorry about your mom. You sound like you have been through a lot 😦
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Its funny sometimes the things that we have to do as children to move forward from a raging alcoholic parent. But its the cycle that just continues and in order to me to be sane and get one foot in front of the other I have to separate myself from her. If I stay in continued contact that is when I lose my sh** and I find myself resorting back to that angry 16 year old girl who hated the world.
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Yes, no one really understands how I can still have a relationship at all with my dad, but it is like you said- I just compartmentalize and keep him at arm’s length. Every time I let him in a little, I get burned!!
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Definitely been there!!! I feel like my sister and I both regress a lot whenever we go home to visit our parents. That’s why we don’t do it very often these days 😉
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I just started to write about my similar experiences today, after dealing with a bout of anxiety surrounding my mother and her drinking. I’m glad that I made this decision. As horrible as it is to know that other people feel similarly, it’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone. As many times as we have all been through the ups and downs, it’s so hard to fully give up hope when it comes to our parents. Stay strong, and thank you for sharing your story.
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Good for you!! I have found it so therapeutic to write about my experiences. And yes, you are not alone- I am always surprised at so many people can relate to my family and life. I would love to read some of your stories!
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