the more they stay the same.
My suspicions were right…my dad is drinking again. It was a nice two years while it lasted. I am so disappointed and even though I should have been prepared for this, I am still a little surprised. I have had so many conflicting emotions about it. I saw my therapist and through talking about it, she made me realize that I am really angry. You might be saying “no, duh” (or maybe not lol), but it was a revelation to me. You see, I get upset. Being sad or upset is a more comfortable emotion for me. I don’t really do angry. Growing up, angry was not really something that was accepted and unfortunately, that carried over into my marriage. I was never the one who was angry- that role was reserved for my father and for my ex-husband. Through a good amount of therapy, I learned how to get in touch with my anger. My current boyfriend would tell you that I have gotten much better at expressing anger, I’m sure. But that says more about our relationship than anything else. Because I can am able to really be myself with him, I do not get anxious about being angry at him. That’s also why the one person I was always able to get really mad at and fight with is my sister.
So…back to my dad. I am really mad. I am mad that he never apologized for anything that he did. He never paid any consequences for his actions. And yet, my sister and mom and I gave him a second chance when he stopped drinking. He did not earn it. He did not deserve it. We just gave it to him. We made it so easy for him. We were all so desperate for a “normal” family and were so happy and relieved to have him be sober that we just were grateful that he wasn’t drinking. He should have spent the rest of his life making it up to us. He should have begged for our forgiveness for what he put us through. But, we never asked for that. We just acted like 25 years of abuse and insanity never happened. But that wasn’t enough, I guess.
He has started writing his nasty emails again. That’s why I started this blog to begin with. I joked that now I will have more to write about, but sadly, that is true. As I have weighed the pros and cons and deliberated whether to confront him in person, my sister snapped and wrote him an email detailing ALL of the horrible things he has done to her and to my mother and me. His response was that he thinks she is lying and that he doesn’t remember any of it. He said that if it is true, he is sorry, but that it was a dark time in his life and he has been emotionally hurt, too. I have mixed feelings about his response. It definitely doesn’t feel like an apology and he was pretty dismissive about all the things she told him. It was like “I don’t believe these things happened, but if you think they did, then I am sorry”. Not even close to good enough. I’m also angry that he acts like he is the victim. That “dark time” lasted two decades and spanned throughout my childhood. He created that “dark time” himself when he chose alcohol over his family.
So now after two years of really nice, relaxing Thanksgivings, I am back to being anxious about what is going to happen on Thursday. Will he come to my house for dinner? Will there be a scene? Will he insult me in front of my boyfriend? Will he stay home? Will he be horrible to my mom when she gets home? Will he hurt himself? I honestly and truly did appreciate every minute of him being sober and I will never take those two years for granted. But now that he’s drinking again, it is really bringing back a lot of feelings and memories and I find myself regressing a little bit. But, as sad as that is to experience, I am trying to protect my heart by just staying mad.