My sister’s boyfriend confided in me that he plans to propose to my sister in the near future. While I am happy he spoke to me about it, it has brought up a lot of mixed feelings for me. My sister and I are best friends and I care about her happiness so much. She hasn’t exactly had it easy and I know it has been difficult for her throughout the years as she watched friend after friend get engaged, get married, have babies, etc. My sister really wants children and is in her mid-thirties, so she is very eager to move forward with her life.
That being said, I can’t help but wonder if she is settling for him. Her boyfriend is a nice enough guy, but he has a lot of financial issues and he hasn’t proved that he can be an equal partner to her in that department. Also, I feel like I don’t really know him that well, which is strange since they have been together for several years. He is doing an unpaid apprenticeship with long hours, so he is really never available for social events. When I ask my sister about their future together, she seems a little confused and questions whether she should stick it out with him while he figures out his career or if she should break up with him and have to “start all over”. She insists she is in love with him and gets offended if I push the topic.
When I was unhappiest in my marriage, I felt a little resentful towards my family and close friends for not “warning me” about my husband. I saw red flags before we got married and when we separated other people said they saw them, too. I know that it was no one’s place or responsibility to make sure I knew what I was getting into and in retrospect I know I probably wouldn’t have listened to anyone anyway.
So, I guess I’m just wondering if I should have a serious talk with my sister or not. I know she respects my opinion, but I also know she is very sensitive to criticism. I asked her best friend, who has the same concerns I do, and she advised me not to say anything. I am not sure if my uneasiness is due to my own past experiences or legitimate concern for my sister’s future. Thoughts?
Anxious ACOA 
Ouch. Rough spot to be in.
Is there any way you can have a relaxed conversation about it with your sister? If she really doesn’t want to hear it, there’s nothing you can do. The financial stuff aside, if he treats her well and cares for her, the financial part isn’t as bad.
If he isn’t good to her, then financial problems may just exacerbate whatever other issues they have.
If it is important enough to you to talk to her about it, be aware that depending on how she takes it, it could put a very heavy strain on your relationship.
Since the boyfriend came to you about proposing, is there any way you can talk to him about your concerns?
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To be honest, it is something that she and I talk about ALL the time. The fact that he makes hardly any income and they live together is something she often complains about. I feel hypocritical bc I always said that money didn’t matter- my dad made a ton of money and treated us like crap, but I feel like it’s a big strain on her. I guess when we talk, I just listen more than say anything (I’m the big sister). It’s one of those situations where she can complain about him, but if I do she gets offended.
He does treat her well. I think at times he can be very self-involved and selfish, but I do believe he genuinely cares for her.
Sometimes I just think she’s too young or emotionally immature to get married until I remember she is 35 (lol!) and that I was married and divorced by that age.
Thanks for your response and advice. I guess I will just take a backseat and see if I have an appropriate opportunity to express my concerns to her.
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I get where you’re coming from. I feel like I saw red flags and wish someone had seriously sat down with me and said I’m v concerned about all this. Saying it afterwards is so much worse. I would talk to her. It’s better to show sisterly concern now than have to pick up any pieces afterwards or see her struggling in life xx
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I think you are right. I remember shortly after I got divorced I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding. Right before the big day I asked her if she was sure she was happy. She got offended at first, until I explained that I didn’t want her to look back and feel like no one gave her the chance to share her concerns if she had any. She understood after I explained that.
I think I could probably phrase it the same way with my sister, and she of all people knew what I went through with my marriage and divorce.
Thank you so much for your response 🙂
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I am studying Counselling Psychology, and while I have realised that one cannot “learn” some of the skills of counselling, the course has also taught me some tricks of the trade. So one thing that i feel helps the most is, ask the person what he/she feels about the situation. So maybe the next time you speak to you sister, ask something like what makes you say a future with him is a good idea, or what makes you feel that you want to be with him for the foreseeable future. Avoid using the word ‘why’ though. Maybe this would make her think about the reasons instead of just saying I love him, simply because she is used to responding like that or because she feels that that is what people would expect her to say or that is supposed to be the “correct” reason/answer. Hope that helps!
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That’s actually great advice and I really appreciate your comment. Seeing as my sister is so defensive when I bring things up, this is a clever way of getting her to discuss her concerns without me actually stating mine. And I know she has the concerns I have because she has told me so in the past. She definitely does use the blanket answer “I love him”, so questioning her this way would probably be effective. Thank you again!
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My pleasure! 🙂
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