(un)happy birthday

Today is my dad’s birthday.  Growing up, his birthday was always a day my sister and I dreaded because it seemed like he was extra nasty on “his day”.  During the two years my father was sober, I actually enjoyed celebrating his birthday- we would BBQ or go out to brunch and he was pleasant and grateful for whatever gifts we gave him.

About 8 months ago, I found my dad the most perfect birthday card.  My family has a joke about chihuahuas and I found a card in the shape of that dog.  Even though it was so many months before his birthday, I bought the card anyway and saved it until now.  (Side note: I LOVE cards and have several card boxes full of cards for any occasion!!)

Now that my father is drinking again, I don’t even want to give the card to him.  I know that sounds very silly and petty, but it is not really about the card at all.  It is about the fact that for the past couple of years I enjoyed having a relationship with my father and throughout that time, I enjoyed family holidays again and looked forward to other occasions to celebrate.  I guess when I look back on myself buying that card eight months ago, I feel dumb for how naive I was.  His sobriety (following a stroke) was so abrupt and so absolute (pun intended) that I just blindly believed it was going to last.  I took that card out of the box today and just felt sad.  The dad that I bought that card for is gone…once again replaced by the alcoholic I am all too familiar with.  And that’s really nothing to celebrate.

I do?

My sister’s boyfriend confided in me that he plans to propose to my sister in the near future.  While I am happy he spoke to me about it, it has brought up a lot of mixed feelings for me.  My sister and I are best friends and I care about her happiness so much.  She hasn’t exactly had it easy and I know it has been difficult for her throughout the years as she watched friend after friend get engaged, get married, have babies, etc.  My sister really wants children and is in her mid-thirties, so she is very eager to move forward with her life.

That being said, I can’t help but wonder if she is settling for him.  Her boyfriend is a nice enough guy, but he has a lot of financial issues and he hasn’t proved that he can be an equal partner to her in that department.  Also, I feel like I don’t really know him that well, which is strange since they have been together for several years.  He is doing an unpaid apprenticeship with long hours, so he is really never available for social events.  When I ask my sister about their future together, she seems a little confused and questions whether she should stick it out with him while he figures out his career or if she should break up with him and have to “start all over”.  She insists she is in love with him and gets offended if I push the topic.

When I was unhappiest in my marriage, I felt a little resentful towards my family and close friends for not “warning me” about my husband.  I saw red flags before we got married and when we separated other people said they saw them, too.  I know that it was no one’s place or responsibility to make sure I knew what I was getting into and in retrospect I know I probably wouldn’t have listened to anyone anyway.

So, I guess I’m just wondering if I should have a serious talk with my sister or not.  I know she respects my opinion, but I also know she is very sensitive to criticism.  I asked her best friend, who has the same concerns I do, and she advised me not to say anything.  I am not sure if my uneasiness is due to my own past experiences or legitimate concern for my sister’s future.  Thoughts?