Baby steps

So it has been over a week since my dad had a stroke. Yesterday he was moved from the hospital to an in-patient physical rehabilitation facility. We are not sure how long he has to stay there, but he has already made some progress. Right after the stroke, he had no use of his left arm…now he can move his shoulder, wiggle his fingers and can feel sensation, but he still cannot lift it. My mom, sister and I went to visit him today and he was in a wheelchair the entire time. He can walk a bit with a walker, but needs a lot of assistance with getting up and down. Thankfully, the alcohol withdrawal symptoms seem to have subsided. He’s not all whacked out and confused anymore, which is a relief because that was really hard to witness.

My mom told me that two nights ago, when my father was told he had to go to the facility instead of coming home, he hysterically cried and told her that none of us care about him and we all wish he died. I don’t know why but that really made me so sad. I feel like I “should” not really be as affected by how he feels, because god knows he didn’t really care about all the nights I cried myself to sleep growing up because he was drunk or because I was afraid of him, etc. I am glad that I wasn’t at the hospital that night, because it would have killed me to see that. Sometimes he cries when he is really drunk, but I don’t ever remember him crying when he was sober.

Everything feels like it is in limbo right now. I feel like there is a giant ticking clock counting down until he is discharged and goes home. Even though it would be an early Christmas miracle for him to stay sober, I am confident he will drink as soon as possible, and then things will just go back to “normal” (whatever the hell that means in my family lol!!)

3 comments on “Baby steps

  1. Alex says:

    I’m so sorry 😦 I think that when you have a heart at all – which clearly you do! – it’s hard to remain unfeeling when confronted with someone who’s crying, especially a family member. I think it’s even harder when it’s a man because, somehow, it seems like their spirit is broken if/when they cry – so much more than for us women since we’re “allowed” to be emotional (dare I say “hormonal”?). While there’s no alcoholism in my family, we have our own issues and family strife has been the soundtrack against which my husband and I struggle with infertility without the support of those who should care, who should be there for us. Sending you much love!


    • Thank you- you really were able to put into words exactly how I felt about him crying! There’s just something about it being my “dad”. Thank you for taking the time to comment 🙂

      I’m very sorry you are not supported the way you should be- I have had friends who have gone through that and one in particular was really helped by an online community…sometimes support can come from unusual places, but it is hard when you feel like it is lacking from those who should care more. Good luck with your journey!


      • Alex says:

        I agree – and, to be honest, the hardest thing I’ve had to learn is that, sometimes, just because someone is technically family doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s sad, but it’s a fact. I read something not too long ago to the effect that life gets easier when you accept an apology you never got – wise words, hard to implement…but I’m working on it. Hugs!


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