Still hurts…


The majority of the time I say to other people (and to myself) that my father’s emails and voicemails don’t bother me.  In a lot of ways, they have just become the norm and I am sort of used to them.  Every once in a while, though, one stands out that is particularly hurtful.  I feel like my mom, sister and I just give him free passes because we know he is drunk.  Today he sent and email copied to all of us where he singled me out and called me a “loser” and he also left me a voicemail calling me a “scumbag”.  I obviously know these things aren’t true- I am a totally respectable member of society, a teacher, a homeowner, etc. but it still is mind-boggling to me that my own father can say these things about his daughter totally unprovoked.  My sister and I have always used humor to deal with my dad and the way he treats us.  She recently began seeing a therapist (I have gone for years, so I am super proud of her for starting to go!) and the woman said to my sister, “you talk about the things your father has done like it was only in your childhood, like he is deceased…this is still active abuse.”  That really made me think.  I do consider what my father did to us growing up as abuse, no doubt about it, but I guess since I don’t live with him and rarely see him in person, I didn’t really consider it to be current as well.  But it totally is.  His emails and voicemails are verbally and emotionally abusive and total harassment as well.  People always ask my sister and me why we don’t just block his number and his emails (I have a totally separate email address just for him so they don’t go into my regular email inbox) and neither of us have a good answer for that question.  I don’t know why I don’t just block him…I should.  He deserves it.  I honestly don’t even know if he would notice, because no one ever responds to his emails.  It is like the same way I can’t answer why my mom never left him…I kind of write it off as her being a “battered wife” and I guess in a lot of ways I am a “battered daughter”.

My boyfriend’s “daddy issues”

My boyfriend and I have been sorting out a few issues before we take the plunge of moving in together. I’m really happy to be with someone who is good at communicating, but I am feeling frustrated about one of the things we have been talking about. My boyfriend has a major issue with my father, which is in itself not very surprising. As I have written about before, I don’t actually see my father all that much, we live an hour apart (although I see my mom all the time). But, my father constantly emails and calls me. I have my iPhone set to not ring when he calls, but I haven’t found a way to not have the voicemail go off when he inevitably leaves a message. He leaves voicemails daily that range from “normal” to irrational, screaming, nonsensical, insulting drunken rants (usually the latter). My sister and I are just used to this and more often than not, I just simply erase the voicemail without even listening it. It doesn’t even phase me anymore, just the way his crazy emails don’t either. I mean, I guess if I have to be totally honest, they do bother me deep down, but I just know that it is beyond my control to stop him. Blocking his cell phone is not an option because then he would just call from their home number and I can’t block my mother, too.

My boyfriend told me that he would not be able to sit silently by when my father treats me badly. He has only been around my father a handful of times and luckily almost all of them went smoothly, but there was one bad holiday where my boyfriend got frustrated and said something to my father that was confrontational when my father was being nasty towards my sister and me. My boyfriend is not disrespectful, but he says that he will approach my father if it continues (not in a physical way, but verbally). The thing is, my boyfriend insists on listening to my dad’s voicemails when my phone beeps when we are together. He explained all of this to my sister and she has the same opinion I do- that if my boyfriend ever does confront my father, nothing good will come of it. My sister and I both think it would honestly make things worse and my dad would end up taking it out on my mother in the long run.

On one hand, I feel very good about the fact that my boyfriend wants to protect me and I think that is very sweet and comforting. But, on the other hand, I just cannot make him understand that NOTHING is going to change how my dad acts and that a confrontation between the two would just be unnecessary drama that would create more problems for me than it would solve. I understand that as a man who loves me, it is hard for my boyfriend to hear my dad berate me. But I am the one who has to deal with my dad and now I am worried that someday down the road there is actually going to be an issue between my father and boyfriend.