un(girl)friended

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So much has happened, it almost seems like a blur…I almost need a calendar or timeline to remember what happened when.

February 28- my boyfriend was fired and started drinking more heavily

March 15- he was admitted to the ER and then transferred to ICU and put into a medically induced coma with a breathing tube and ventilator (on life support) due to withdrawal from alcohol…that same night, I discovered he had been cheating on me

March 16- I moved his belongings out of my house into a storage unit, so he had no alternative besides going to rehab…from this day on I stayed at the hospital every single day (taking FMLA at work)

April 12- he was discharged from the hospital after 28 days (17 of them in the coma) while he was there, he contracted pneumonia and c.Diff and his kidneys were almost shut down

April 13- he left to go south with his parents, rather than rehab

April 25- he returned and rented an apartment a mile and a half from my house and the first night back, our dog died

May 2- I rushed him back to the ER, where he was diagnosed with c.Diff again and was admitted to the hospital for 20 days

June 18- we got into an argument via text and I told him to not contact me anymore

June 27- I found out that he had relapsed badly and was sent to a rehab in CA on June 21…no one told me

July 2- he called me from the rehab center and explained that he had spent the first week at a detox center…he gave me the name and address so I could send him cards…that night I googled the rehab and found out it was a horrible place, with no medical doctors or therapist, and immediately emailed my concerns to his family…his sister wrote me back that I was crazy and to leave their family alone

July 3- his father called me at night to say they were “getting him out of that place”…that he had called and told his parents all of the information I had corroborated in my email

July 4- he returned to his parents house

July 17- he came back to his apartment…I had previously told him that if he did not have a solid sobriety plan, then I was not going to be able to offer my support and that I needed space. He landed at 4 pm and within an hour and a half, a neighbor called to say she saw him driving back and forth on the main road by my house

I have had SUCH a hard time disconnecting from him.  I have not been able to completely let go.  Him not getting real help for his alcoholism and relapsing so quickly makes it easier for me to not talk to him.  I also have had more of a chance to express to him my anger about his communication with the other woman, which I am still rightfully mad about.  My sister and friends were REALLY concerned about him “stalking” me, whereas I think it is harmless and he was feeling nostalgic.  We haven’t spoken at all since he came home.  My best friend’s sister’s best friend was just murdered by her husband and so she was very upset about him being around my house.

I just feel like nothing has changed.  It is a repeat of before…hospital/detox, go to his parents’ house for two weeks and return with no plan.  He has no dog, no best friend (he moved to another state), no me, no job, no other friends.  What is going to stop him from drinking again???  I know I cannot control him, but it is really hard to detach and not worry.  I want to get to a place where I can care about him, but not have it affect my everyday life.  My cousin has struggled with sobriety her whole life and I spoke with her and she made me understand more…she said that NOTHING stopped her from doing drugs- not losing her job or her kids or her money or her marriage.  I truly think I understand now that I cannot save him.  My loving him and supporting him is enabling him and doing more harm than good for both of us.  I took a major step today and defriended him on Facebook, which seems petty, but it was still a way to stay connected.  I am getting the courage to also delete him off of Instagram.  I know I need a clean break, but this whole thing has been so messy and damaging and emotional and heartbreaking.

I think I need to find a way to start forgiving him.  Not even for him, but for myself.

Starting over

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I just found out that my best friend’s mother (I call her “Ma”) recently relapsed. She had been sober for 14 years. It is a reminder of how deep and strong addictions really can be. This is on top of my cousin relapsing after 12 years of sobriety over the summer. It makes me sad because I truly believed both of them had conquered their addictions. I do not mean to sound judgmental, because I still admire the journeys both my cousin and Ma have taken, even if they are now both experiencing setbacks. I am confident that Ma will get back on track and start over with AA (I’m not so sure about my cousin…she is battling meth and doesn’t seem to really acknowledge her problem).

I actually have written about Ma before. I have known her since I was 12 (so over 20 years now) and I saw her at her worst. Watching her become sober gave me hope. Hope that people can change, although strangely it never gave me hope that my father would stop drinking. That would take much more than just hope!!

I know firsthand that noone can stop another person from drinking or using and they have to want help…I just pray that both my cousin and my Ma find their way back to being sober.

Not a happy ending…

I thought I would give my dad a break from my blog and focus on another family member. I have a very small family and really only one cousin who I am close with. She is exactly 9 months older than me. She is adopted, but she may as well be blood related. Even though she has always lived halfway across the country from me, we have always had a tight bond.

She had a very rough childhood…mostly brought on by herself. I am going to refer to her as “M.” so I don’t just keep saying “she”. While growing up, M. was very rebellious. She got into drugs and alcohol at a young age, was promiscuous, cut school, etc. Basically any way that she could act out, she did. My aunt and uncle ended up divorcing and M. went to live with my uncle (my aunt, who is my mother’s sister, is also an alcoholic…run in the family much?? lol). My cousin became incorrigible and my uncle eventually gave her up as a ward of the state. M. was placed in foster care as a teenager and her bad behavior and substance abuse continued. To make a very, very long story short…my cousin got pregnant in her 20s and she finally made amends with her parents and cleaned up her act. She went to AA and threw herself into a sober lifestyle as a parent with gusto. A few years later, she had another baby (different dad) and she developed a nurturing relationship with her birth mother. It seemed like her crazy past was behind her. In her 30s, she married a very nice guy who treated her two children like his own and the two of them eventually had a baby together.

M. and I had a long-running joke that I was going to write her biography. We figured her story was crazier (and more true) than that guy James Frey’s was and could be inspiring to other young woman who are struggling to find out who they are. I was so proud of my cousin and how far she had come. She was a wife and a great mom, had a good job and owned a home. She had it all.

And then, unexpectedly, she called me a couple of months ago to tell me she was unhappy and leaving her husband. I was not entirely surprised and even though I was sad for them, I supported her decision. He is a great guy and if she didn’t love him anymore, they both deserved a chance to meet someone else. I learned the hard way how hard it is to be in an unhappy marriage and I didn’t want that for her. She seemed really okay about it and I wasn’t too worried.

But THEN, VERY unexpectedly, I stopped hearing from her. Calls went unanswered and she deleted her Facebook account. I finally reached out to her best friend who dropped a bombshell on me. Apparently, M. started having an affair several months back with a guy that has a very bad reputation in their town. He supposedly sold drugs and my cousin started getting back into doing them with him. By the time I found out all the details of what was going on, M. had left her husband and children and home, was fired from her job, was living at a hotel with this guy and was shooting meth. I have no idea how she slipped into a landslide so severe after being sober for over a decade. I am devastated to say the least. Almost all of my attempts to reach out to her have gone unanswered. It is very frustrating, considering I live over 1,100 miles away. I feel so helpless. Thank god her best friend is keeping me updated. So all I know now is that my cousin was arrested over the weekend with her boyfriend, was bailed out by a “friend” and refuses to go to rehab unless he goes with her.

I am so heartbroken. When M. was younger, she made so many bad decisions. The stakes are so much higher now- she has three children (one of whom isn’t even 2 years old yet) and she hasn’t seen them in weeks. I never, ever thought she would do this. Her two older children are staying with M.’s biological mother and the baby is still with her husband. As of right now, I don’t know where my cousin is. I am sad and angry and worried and sick over it. I know that drug addiction is an illness, but I can’t help feeling like she made a choice this time.

M. was supposed to be a success story. My biography about her was supposed to have a happy ending. Now I don’t know what is going to happen…