How? Why? Already? What the actual fuck? IT’S NOT FAIR.
These were my first thoughts after hearing that my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. Then I hysterically cried and vomited. Afterwards, I took time to really think about it and why I had the reaction I did. I made it very clear to him that we were over. I have started to move on and have been feeling better lately. I know he does not have friends or family near him and is probably very lonely. I know that for him, staying sober includes having to stay busy. But…a girlfriend? It has only been a few months. It makes me feel very replaceable. Yet, that is not what bothered me. The idea of him being intimate with another woman…that stings for sure, but also I do not think that was the real source of me being upset. What it finally boiled down to was: it’s not fair. I just kept saying that over and over. He literally broke my heart, he destroyed our relationship, he lied and cheated. I saved his life and he ruined mine. And he moved on first??? And so soon??? And he is supposed to be focusing on his sobriety?? It’s not fair.
I am rolling my eyes at myself writing that. I KNOW life is not fair. And in the bigger scheme of life, my problems with him were minuscule with what other people around the world deal with. I am not dismissing my pain or heartbreak, but I think saying he “ruined” my life is a little dramatic. What happened was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through in MY life, but I know by comparison many people struggle with so much more.
A coworker of mine has two adorable little girls. She is so sweet and kind to everyone. Her 40 year old husband was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and this will most likely be his last Christmas. THAT is not fair.
My best friend’s sister suffered a loss this year. A good friend of hers was estranged from her soon-to-be ex-husband. He went to her house late at night and shot and killed her…in front of their children. THAT is not fair.
My friend, former lover, and colleague jumped off the tallest bridge in NYC to his death a few months ago. He was an amazing person, teacher, friend…the funniest person I have ever known. No one really knew just how bad his depression was. When he jumped, he did not hit the water, but the concrete footer of the bridge. THAT is not fair.
Life isn’t fair. So many horrible things happen and even though it is upsetting and it hurts and I am surprised, my ex moving on is not really one of them. I do not begrudge him happiness- I want him to be sober and be in a healthy relationship…someday. I just don’t feel like he deserves it yet. It is all still so fresh and painful. And I think about dumb things, like is he “really” sober and what does he tell this new girl about me and everything that happened with us and his health and his family? But then I remind myself that absolutely none of that has any effect on my life, except feeling a little emotional about it.
So, as the end of 2019 nears (thank goodness), I am really going to try to put everything that happened behind me. I cannot dwell and feel indignant and hold on to the pain anymore- it is only hurting myself. I am not ready to forgive him and I am not sure if I will be ready when he wants to make amends, but I know that I cannot move forward if I am always thinking about the past. Some things are not fair and everyone feels that way about something in their life.
Steve Maraboli, an inspirational speaker, stated that, “the only thing that makes life unfair is the delusion that it should be fair.” I am not going to say that “it’s not fair” anymore about this situation. What really is happening actually IS completely fair- that life is going on…for him and for me.