Everything’s going my way…not.

I feel like sometimes I get really (and easily) overwhelmed and then I get upset with myself for getting upset.  I have been working on trying not to overreact to problems, but sometimes I just can’t help it.  When I stop and think logically, I know everything is okay and that I will be fine and that the problem at hand is probably not as big of a deal as I am making it, but in the moment sometimes it feels so burdensome.  I am a super responsible person (a blessing and a curse), so when something goes wrong, my OCD kicks in and I immediately feel like the problem has to be solved.  Lately, it seems like I am having one thing break after another, both with my car and with my house.  It just seems like there is ALWAYS something wrong or broken.  And because I have the need to fix things as soon as they break, I put a lot of pressure on myself unnecessarily.  My boyfriend, who lives with me, has been offering to help more, which is appreciated, but I also have a problem with control and it is hard to relinquish “jobs” to someone else.  So, I feel like I am doing this to myself, but I don’t know how to break this habit.  I really have been trying to take things as they come and handle them with logic in order to reduce my anxiety, but sometimes it is just too much and the dam bursts.  Which is what happened today.  I had expensive car problems recently, then I was getting water in my basement, then my TV just randomly broke, then my boyfriend accidentally shattered a window…and with each thing I tried to just handle it without freaking out, but today it all just came to a head and I broke down a little.  Then I feel bad about myself that I let it get to me, when I know there are people dealing with bigger and more important problems than a stupid broken window.  I just don’t know how to not care or overly worry about things.  I wish I could snap my fingers and just change that about myself(amongst other things!) My sister has the ability to be so nonchalant about things and I wish I was more like that.  Some of the things that bother me so much that I obsess over in my mind would not even faze her.  I know everyone is different and we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but it is just so much easier to get stuck on what make me feel weak.

Add it to the list…

All my life, I have been a list maker…I love lists!  I make them for grocery shopping, chores I need to do around the house, Christmas gifts, etc. The “notes” app on my phone gets a lot of action.  I cannot relax after work until everything on my list has been checked off.  Perhaps I have a touch of OCD (my sister would say more than a touch!), but I feel like my lists help me stay organized and it is such a great feeling to check things off.

As a teacher, I get home a lot earlier than my boyfriend, who has a lengthy commute. I do a lot of the chores around the house completely by my own choice (he gladly helps out when I ask him to).  I notice that I often give him a run-down when he gets home, like a verbal list of everything I did- I “took out the garbage, brushed the dog, emptied the dishwasher”, etc.  I honestly do not do this to make him feel bad, but I never really thought about WHY I do do it…until this past week.  I was having a conversation with my sister, who was complaining about all of the things she does around the house.  She said she has a tendency to tell her fiancee the daily chores that she does, too, and bluntly stated, “you know it’s because dad always called us ‘do nothing takers’, right?”.  I was floored…I never really put the two together.  That was my father’s favorite insult towards us throughout our childhood and he still calls us that to this day.  I never really thought about that being an influence for my need to prove to other people that I DO things.

I am a proud list maker and I have no desire to change that.  However, I do think it is important to recognize behaviors and examine why we do the things we do.  I do not like to blame the way I act or how I think on my childhood, but it would be naive to think the way I grew up and how I was and still am treated by my father did not influence the person I became as an adult.  It makes me want to be more cognizant about when I do this and why.  I will add that to my current list 😉