I had my first “date” since breaking up with my exboyfriend. It felt too soon, but I had to remind myself that the romantic part of the relationship with my ex ended far earlier than our break up. I had not been intimate with anyone (including him) in well over a year.
It was a guy I knew from high school, but not very well- more like we had mutual friends. We both agreed we did not want a relationship, rather just a “friends with benefits” situation. I am not sure why I thought that was a good idea for me because I overthink EVERYTHING. But, I also knew this guy is not the one for me and I just wanted to put myself out there in an effort to move on from my ex, so I figured I had nothing to lose.
I was very nervous but everything went well and I enjoyed his company. I was surprised when he continued to call and text me every day- I was not really expecting that kind of communication, but it was really nice. We made a second date, which he canceled on the same day and then another second date, which he also canceled (one hour before). Both times he canceled he blamed work (which I believe because he has a demanding job), but he never attempted to choose a different day. It has been two weeks now and I feel like if he REALLY wanted to see me, he could have carved out some time. It’s like that movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”…if a guy wants you, he will find a way. So, I did what I always do and started asking everyone’s opinion on what I should do- my guy friends, my girl friends and my sister and took their advice (which really ended up not being what I probably would have done) and maturely told him it wasn’t working out. He was snarky back and said he “gets it, I don’t trust men” and told me he doesn’t “do complicated”.
I think calling me “complicated” was presumptuous on his part. I mean, let’s be honest, I definitely AM complicated, but I did nothing during the time talking with him for him to be able to fairly make that assessment about me. I didn’t call or text him and I was totally okay with the first cancellation. I know I didn’t do anything “wrong”, but yet I feel like I messed up.
My sister asked me why I feel the need to ask SO many people their advice and opinions on what I should do and without even thinking I responded, “because I don’t trust myself.” My answer caught me off guard, but I realize that it’s true. I feel like I have made so many bad choices and ignored a lot of red flags in the past and now I am not comfortable trusting myself to make decisions . She also asked why I was settling for this guy. Not that he is a bad person or anything, but he does not have the qualities that I want in a partner. Again, without thinking, I blurted out, “because I have low self-worth”, which I also realized is very true.
I was enjoying talking to someone new because it felt good and I liked the attention and it was a good distraction from everything that happened with my ex. But then, I just started obsessing and worrying and analyzing and questioning everything about this guy. I think I just need more time. And I know that I need to focus on myself more and deal with some unresolved issues.
I don’t know why I think I do not deserve to be happy or to have a wonderful person in my life. I sadly wonder who would really want to be with me? I think my exboyfriend accepted me and the problems I have because he also suffered from mental illness and he was so sick himself. I feel so flawed and damaged and…complicated.