the more they stay the same.
My suspicions were right…my dad is drinking again. It was a nice two years while it lasted. I am so disappointed and even though I should have been prepared for this, I am still a little surprised. I have had so many conflicting emotions about it. I saw my therapist and through talking about it, she made me realize that I am really angry. You might be saying “no, duh” (or maybe not lol), but it was a revelation to me. You see, I get upset. Being sad or upset is a more comfortable emotion for me. I don’t really do angry. Growing up, angry was not really something that was accepted and unfortunately, that carried over into my marriage. I was never the one who was angry- that role was reserved for my father and for my ex-husband. Through a good amount of therapy, I learned how to get in touch with my anger. My current boyfriend would tell you that I have gotten much better at expressing anger, I’m sure. But that says more about our relationship than anything else. Because I can am able to really be myself with him, I do not get anxious about being angry at him. That’s also why the one person I was always able to get really mad at and fight with is my sister.
So…back to my dad. I am really mad. I am mad that he never apologized for anything that he did. He never paid any consequences for his actions. And yet, my sister and mom and I gave him a second chance when he stopped drinking. He did not earn it. He did not deserve it. We just gave it to him. We made it so easy for him. We were all so desperate for a “normal” family and were so happy and relieved to have him be sober that we just were grateful that he wasn’t drinking. He should have spent the rest of his life making it up to us. He should have begged for our forgiveness for what he put us through. But, we never asked for that. We just acted like 25 years of abuse and insanity never happened. But that wasn’t enough, I guess.
He has started writing his nasty emails again. That’s why I started this blog to begin with. I joked that now I will have more to write about, but sadly, that is true. As I have weighed the pros and cons and deliberated whether to confront him in person, my sister snapped and wrote him an email detailing ALL of the horrible things he has done to her and to my mother and me. His response was that he thinks she is lying and that he doesn’t remember any of it. He said that if it is true, he is sorry, but that it was a dark time in his life and he has been emotionally hurt, too. I have mixed feelings about his response. It definitely doesn’t feel like an apology and he was pretty dismissive about all the things she told him. It was like “I don’t believe these things happened, but if you think they did, then I am sorry”. Not even close to good enough. I’m also angry that he acts like he is the victim. That “dark time” lasted two decades and spanned throughout my childhood. He created that “dark time” himself when he chose alcohol over his family.
So now after two years of really nice, relaxing Thanksgivings, I am back to being anxious about what is going to happen on Thursday. Will he come to my house for dinner? Will there be a scene? Will he insult me in front of my boyfriend? Will he stay home? Will he be horrible to my mom when she gets home? Will he hurt himself? I honestly and truly did appreciate every minute of him being sober and I will never take those two years for granted. But now that he’s drinking again, it is really bringing back a lot of feelings and memories and I find myself regressing a little bit. But, as sad as that is to experience, I am trying to protect my heart by just staying mad.
I think in this case, mad is good. And I’m glad that if he does come, you’ll have your boyfriend with you.
I don’t know you, but I hope that nothing happens at dinner, and if it does, you stay mad to let you keep yourself and not let him roll over you.
Good luck, and either way, I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! I am secretly hoping that he doesn’t come…it would just erase all of the tension. I appreciate you thinking of me and I hope that you and your family have a wonderful holiday as well 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have been reading your wonderful blog for a while now and never had a chance to comment. I just wanted to say, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. My parents were both alcoholics. My dad died 10 years ago and alcoholism contributed to his death. My mother is sober, but the alcoholic personality is still there, and she has mental issues (bi-polar, I believe, and also developing dementia). We don’t communicate, really. I’ve tried and tried to earn my mother’s love since I was a baby, and she just was never there for me (or my kids). I finally gave up just recently. I did not go to her house on her birthday with a gift. I just ignored it. I felt a bit guilty but I just can’t do it anymore. I get nothing in return… no call, no visits, no cards… nothing.
My sister was likely born with fetal alcohol syndrome, according to my aunts, so she has her own issues. We don’t talk either. I’ve tried and tried.
My husband is an alcoholic, and was sober for many years. (We have 2 children, ages 10 and 13.) He has been relapsing, and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and went to my first Al-Anon meeting 3 weeks ago. It’s been a wonderful experience! It’s so nice to hear from others who are dealing with this, and they are giving me some great tools to work with – and it’s all helping. I feel more peaceful about everything. I am also fortunate to have some pretty awesome friends who love me. 🙂
I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. It helps. Angry is good! It’s a step above feeling powerless, I believe.
Sending some cyber (((hugs))) your way,
P.S. There is a really good blog that I read. It’s really helped me look at things differently. Maybe you’ll like it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Chris, I appreciate so much you taking the time to read my blog and for commenting. I am sorry you have been so affected by alcoholism in your life as well. It is funny how we can relate to so many of the same feelings and issues, yet have such different experiences. I am proud of you for putting yourself first- it is hard for us to do that! I’m sure it was hard to ignore your mother, but I’ve realized there is only so long you can try when it is completely one sided.
I’m sorry to hear that your husband is relapsing…that can’t be easy. I’m glad that you have found a safe place where you feel accepted. I went to a couple of Al-Anon meetings when I was younger and I have just found it more helpful for me to work 1:1 with a therapist. But, like you, I have wonderful and supportive friends. I will definitely check out that blog. I wish you a very happy and restful Thanksgiving!!
I can imagine what you’re going through. For years I struggle with hidden anger and fear to confront my dad when he was drinking. In the end he was living along and everything seem normal except for when he ovation ally started drinking and simply didn’t stop for days (even weeks). We did “everything” but in the end we all gave up and we decided maybe it was better to leave him along until he was back.
neither you nor anyone that is not an addict can understand what is like to be on your fathers shoes. He “was not doing it on purpose” and every time wen when he was drunk he would tell me how sorry he felt. He would also explain me how he just couldn’t stop it once he started. He would also promise me he will not do it again, and it was true until some time and then back again.
On one of these episodes I decided to avoid confronting him, until on Father’s Day called him. He told me how much he loved me, he told me not to be sad, and he promise me it will not happen again. The next day he didn’t call back and I was so angry, I thought he had gone back. The truth is he died that night( he didn’t drink since he talked to me in the morning), alone in his apartment, he didn’t ask for help, I think because he was embarrassed of himself.
Just don’t leave him alone, try to understand him and support . I cannot tell you how much I regret what I did and how much suffer it has caused me. Just don’t leave him alone, he is also suffering. I wish I could tell I lovely support my dad but I didn’t
Sent from my iPhone
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry to read about your story. I know I can’t tell you not to feel guilty if that is how you genuinely feel, but it sounds as if you did so much to help your dad. I know that my dad’s addiction is beyond his control right now and that it is a disease, but at some point he did make the decision to drink again. At least your dad knew he was wrong and asked for your forgiveness. My dad tells me that he loves me, and I know he genuinely does, but he has never admitted his wrong doing. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you find a way to get some piece after losing your dad. I am sure I would be very upset if my father passed away, which is why I have never been able to completely write him off.
I do appreciate you reading my blog and commenting. I hope you and your family had a nice Thanksgiving.
Once a victim always a victim. My mother has played the victim card since I can remember, and still to this day. It makes me sick. It is a disease but usually when someone is diagnosed with a disease what do they do? They try their hardest and fight like hell. They don’t continue to drink, treat their family members like crap, and just apologize the next day and expect everything to be okay. My mother used to tell me that she loves me unconditionally and I hated it. Nothing was ever her fault it was always somebody else’s. And it was always me who drove her to drink because I wouldn’t let her just brush away her actions from the night before. She would storm out of the house sober, and return at 3 in the morning pounding on the door belligerent and evil. Growing up I was a very angry kid blasting Linkin Park or Metallica in my room so I couldn’t hear my thoughts. I pushed all my loved ones away and just kept to myself. Through hearing other peoples stories and listening to Perfect Daughters I am trying. And I am sure you know it is not the easiest path to moving forward. But I am sending you a virtual hug and you are not on that boat alone! I am with you 100% and we can move past all this and someday be emotionally and spiritually healthy.
LikeLiked by 1 person