Next month it will be two years that my dad has been sober. TWO. YEARS. I still can’t believe it. It’s probably the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me! I would have never imagined him not drinking for a weekend, let alone TWO YEARS. I read an article today about being a child of divorce and the effects it has. I have never been able to relate to that because my mother stayed with my father throughout my childhood. They have now been married over 40 years…I guess she took the “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health vows” very seriously. It has certainly not been a romantic fairy tale at all. My mother was a battered wife, for lack of a better term. Why she stayed, I will never understand, because none of us ever expected him to stop drinking. I don’t think she ever saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I think she stayed for lots of reasons- fear, security, love?, fear, dependency, money, fear. I used to pray that my mother would leave and take us out of that abusive family structure. My little sister would tell my mom she wanted her to divorce my dad as her Christmas present (so sad). But, my mom stayed. Through good times (rare) and bad (often). I am many things that define who I am, but I am not a child of divorce.
And now I wonder…if my mom had left my dad, would I have any relationship with him at all? Would he even be alive? I think if she had left when I was a teenager, I would have just cut him out of my life entirely. I know it is a little cheesy to believe “everything happens for a reason”, but in this case, it kind of does. My mom never left my dad and I have been forced to figure out how to have some kind of a relationship with him for all of my adult life (thanks, therapy!) and now he is sober and “normal” and we do have a relationship- a pretty decent one, too. I called my dad today, just to say hi and talk. If you would have told me that I would have done that two years ago, I would have fallen on the floor laughing, because two years ago I would have had an inbox full of nasty voicemails from him on my phone. Two years ago, I still had a separate email address dedicated for him because he would send multiple daily harassing emails…now I email him pictures of my dog and cat sleeping together on the dog bed, just because it’s cute. Two years ago, I had him blocked on all social media…just a couple days ago, I considered friending him on Facebook (still a little hesitant on that one lol). It is just weird how things can change so abruptly and completely. I still will never understand why my mother didn’t leave when things were at their worst. Maybe she was weak, maybe she was scared, maybe there were things that happened between my parents that I don’t even know about. Perhaps being a child of a divorce would have spared me many years of pain and abuse and fear and anxiety, but perhaps it would have also robbed me out of having a second chance with my dad.
And he probably doesn’t deserve this second chance at all…but I do.
Congratulations to your father, your mother, your sister, and to you for this “new life.” I, too, have wondered why my mother stayed with my abusive alcoholic father. Maybe you would be interested in some of my thoughts. They are in “Anger Angle” (https://anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress.com/2014/02/08/anger-angle/) and “My Helping Witness” (https://anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/my-helping-witness/). And if you have time, I would very much like to know if you have an answer to the question I pose in “Unexplainable Conviction” (https://anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress.com/2014/02/24/unexplainable-conviction/). I think that daughters of alcoholic fathers have the best insight. Thank you.
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Thank you for your response and the links. I definitely will read them- I’m always interested in other people’s perspectives and experiences!!!
Same here. I’m looking forward to hearing more from you.
I’m doing an IRP- for my hsc this year on ‘what impact does the exposure of substance abuse impose on a child’ I to am a daughter of an alcoholic father, id love if you’d take the time to email me or exchange email. In the hope to gain some primary data, instead of consisting entirely of a case study of myself (that may be bias). Also, I couldn’t have expressed the emotions you outlined any better myself. Jacintafarrell6@gmail.com
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I will privately email you 🙂