The good, the bad and the ugly

So, it has now been almost two months since my boyfriend moved in. The first two weeks were awful, then things seemed to settle down for a couple weeks and were good, but now they are back to being worse than ever. I actually think we maybe broke up last night. I am not sure how that works considering he lives at my house now. So the first two weeks of our cohabitation were bad, the second two were pretty good and now things are downright ugly.

I think it boils down to he does not like his job and he is really depressed. He is prone to depression anyway, but I have never seen the ripple effect like this. He basically acts like he can’t stand me and tells me everything is my fault, but then says he is depressed and I need to stop making it about me. His actions are directly affecting me!! One big thing in addition to our constant bickering is that there is literally no physical affection in our relationship. Forget doing “it”, he acts like I have a disease if I try to touch him at all. I feel so resentful towards him right now because I feel like he totally changed once he moved in. I really did try to be patient (at least I did once I realized just how stressed out he was after moving and changing jobs), but this is getting ridiculous and is causing so much anxiety for me. He is cranky and nasty and we don’t have any fun together anymore, let alone actually talk about anything important (or even just lighthearted conversations). I have dealt with situational depression before and went off all my medication in December and now I am a crying, hot mess.

I don’t know if I should give up and just tell him he needs to move out. I don’t know if his feelings towards me have changed, but at this point it doesn’t really matter because he acts like they have. How many times can I try to talk to him when he is just shutting me out? I know it hasn’t been long and the transition is way harder than I thought it would be, so does it just need more time?

**Disclaimer: I am obviously not perfect…I do things that cause arguments, too and I know I have become even more sensitive and defensive lately. But I know that I am not mean to him like he is to me. I really do want to make him happy and I know I have put in a lot more effort into our relationship over these past few weeks than he has.

ps- totally different topic, but my father started smoking again and I am pretty sure he is also drinking (backstory: alcoholic for 25 years, had stroke, forced to get clean, was for 5 months, got doctor’s clearance to drive and is a nasty jerk again). I feel like I can’t even talk to my boyfriend about this and I am having a hard time talking to my friends about my boyfriend situation- I feel like I am “that girl”…they were all so supportive during my divorce and now I am having very similar relationship problems again and it is very embarrassing.

I feel really alone.

13 comments on “The good, the bad and the ugly

  1. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m here for you. I hope that things get better between you and your boyfriend!

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  2. El Guapo says:

    As someone who doesn’t know you, I hope you remember that you’re just as important to take care of as he is.

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    • Thank you! That is really sweet and you are right. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to make things work that I neglect what I need. I know I need to put myself first. That seems like a selfish notion, but it really isn’t!!

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  3. 😦 Sending empathy and strength

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  4. hopembeauty says:

    I hope your situation turns around and you and your boyfriend get out of this funk!

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  5. Star says:

    I dont feel so alone… thank you for your post. Going through similar situation.. feeling alone, your bf shuts you out and cant even talk to him.. i hate that..

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    • Me too! It’s a terrible feeling, especially since I know he would feel much better if he just let it all out! Luckily, things have been turning around at work and it has had a noticeable effect on how he’s acting 🙂

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  6. Living with a significant other isn’t all a walk in the park, especially if one of the two of you has depression (in mine and my boyfriend’s case, that’d be me). My boyfriend and I move in together a week after we started dating, and by the first weekend he was frazzled and thought about breaking up with me. Instead of doing that, he left for a couple hours, cooled down, and realized that I love him more than anything else, even if I get depressed every so often.
    I understand your doing “it” issues, as well. For the first month he and I were together, we had sex once, which really took a toll on me, not because I wanted sex but because I felt unattractive since he wasn’t even teasing me at all. Finally, on our one-month anniversary (yes, for the first year, I count all the months), we did “it” again, and it was amazing! 😀
    Now we’ve been together a little over a year, and it hasn’t all been rainbow and butterflies, but we love each other and work shit out instead of just throwing in the towel.
    Try really talking about all your issues and see what happens. Talk about anything and everything. It’ll help, I promise 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It has been getting easier, day by day. I’m trying to have a positive attitude and it’s definitely helping and he is really trying too. I have a friend who moved in with her boyfriend and they had such a hard time they both moved out and broke up….then months later they got back together and now are married with kids. I am not saying that is what is going to happen, but I am so glad she told me that bc everyone was telling me that it should be so easy and be like a honeymoon period and all that…so it was refreshing to have someone be honest and say that it can be really hard. Definitely no rainbows, but luckily lately there has been some flowers and a lot less fighting 🙂 Glad you worked it out and I am very hopeful that we are on the same track!!

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