Long time, no see…

I just realized recently that I have not seen my father since Christmas. This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him in my entire life. I was on the phone with my mom the other night and mentioned this to her and I actually asked her if she thought he missed me. She probably thought I was joking because she said, “maybe, but he talks TO you every day through his emails” (she thinks she is funnier than she is- lol).

My parents only live 45 minutes away from me. My hometown is pretty boring and I do not have any other reason to go there because all of my friends have moved away (whereas my sister goes there often because all of her childhood friends still live there and so she stops by my parents’ house occasionally). I am not sure why this bothers me…I should be ecstatically happy that he has been less involved in my life. But, the fact that he doesn’t seem to really care is a little disconcerting. I mean, he is still sending a minimum of three emails daily (especially lately due to my grandmother being ill). I speak to him occasionally when I call their house and he answers the phone. I just feel very disconnected from him and it makes me a little sad. But then I read one of his crazy emails or he is nasty to me on the phone and I remember why I gave up trying to have a normal relationship with him. A couple of months ago I redid my basement and invited him to come to my house to see it. He pretty much blew the idea off. I took it personally for a while until I realized that I can’t remember the last time my dad actually went somewhere- he has become very reclusive. I think that now I am a little nervous to see him because my sister says that he is in pretty bad shape health wise (no surprise there).

I guess it is just a classic case of “can’t live with him…can’t live without him”. I am sure if I spent time with my dad every single weekend, I would be ready to jump off a bridge, but there is a part of me that feels hurt that he seems to not care whether or not he sees me.

8 comments on “Long time, no see…

  1. Meg, seems very normal…u r just holding out hope that your dad cares about you/loves you and ‘normal’ dads would meet those expectations. I am sorry- I know it hurts. I haven’t spoken to my mentally ill mother for over 9 yrs. best decision I ever made. But dad….he still lets me down.

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    • I feel like we have so much in common! Again, our situations are pretty different but the FEELINGS are so similar. The thing is, I know my dad loves me- I have never doubted that…he would give up his life for mine. But, he is also the person in my life who has treated me the worst. And yes, has disappointed me SO many times. But you are right in that I do have a little part of me that has some hope that he will change something to make things better.

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      • TwistedPippi says:

        I just read and re read your reply above and thought I would share something I noticed since you said you like to hear insight from others with Similar experiences. In one paragraph you say your dad loves u and would die for you and has mistreated you repeatedly. Is it any wonder we struggle with relationships? One of the two people in the world who are your role models for trust and mold your perception of the world dragged you thru mind fuck USA. Wow, I don’t mean to be negative …am actually not a Debbie downer sort of person. But I am passionate…and have explored so much and then I have an epiphany like when I read your post so it might come out a little excited! Plz don’t take it the wrong way…it just makes so much sense to me now, the one person who loves you and would die for you is the one who also treated you the worst. Holy Schnikies Batman! How could we ever recognize a somewhat functional relationship? We compare and think and analyze and read books and wonder….makes sense to me.

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        • We would be friends in “real life”…I am sure of it! lol

          It is so twisted- I guess it is no surprise that my exhusband was the same way. I know, without a doubt, that he loved me, but he also treated me like shit and was really, really mean to me. I always thought I would be ok as long as I didn’t marry an alcoholic, but my marriage paralleled my relationship with my father in a lot of ways, and my ex didn’t drink.

          I definitely am not taking anything you write the wrong way (I am really open to all different ideas, but I do agree with you)…mind fuck is the perfect terminology! My friend divorced her husband and HATED his guts and my other friend has zero relationship with her father. I sometimes wish it was a little more clear cut with me…instead I get stuck in this limbo of “why is he so mean if he loves me?” (which makes me sound like a total victim, which I hate!)

          I guess this is why therapy is such a lucrative field lol

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          • TwistedPippi says:

            My boyfriend and I are on a ‘break’ but he told his shrink I am ‘mad smart’. You read that post…he did too, and I wrote it thinking he would never see it. Well, books are my best friends and when u spend a lifetime with ur head in one – mine was to escape- , I guess you can get smart…lol. We would def be friends..
            Alcoholism parallels so many other dysfunctions…..two failed marriages later, I can attest that control manifests itself in different ways. I will die trying to get it right!!!

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        • PS (not sure if this will post above or below my other reply)…you are freaking smart and super insightful 🙂

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  2. halfbakedlog says:

    You never stop thinking that someday it will be cozy and great with an out-of-touch parent. Can’t be helped and it’s normal. For me, that day never came.

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    • I’m sorry that day didn’t come for you 😦

      I honestly believe it won’t for me either. I actually said aloud to my friend the other day that I have a bad feeling about my father’s health and maybe being this distant from him will make it easier if that happens (although it probably won’t, I’m sure!)

      I guess as a child, we never give up on our parents (I always thought it was the other way around!!)

      Thank you so much for commenting.

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