Wondering…do some people just deserve more?

I’m at a cross-roads in my current relationship and it has me thinking about all of my prior relationships in general. I have written previously about my (bad) habit of comparing myself to other people and I do this a lot when it comes to couples. I have two really good girlfriends who are very happily married- both for the second time. Both of them have husbands who treat them wonderfully. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have a guy that looks at me and treats me the way their husbands do. I do know that no relationship is what it necessarily appears to be from an outsider’s perspective and that every couple has their issues and problems.

I was talking to an older, male, happily married coworker who I have become close with. He is father-figurely…and he knows my two girlfriends mentioned above well, too. I said something to him today that kind of took me by surprise. I said something along the lines of “maybe I don’t deserve what they have.” I didn’t say it with intent or in a “poor me” kind of way…I literally said it without thinking, which is why it is bothering me.

I intrinsically know that I am a good person who deserves to be treated well (and I am not saying that my current boyfriend is not good to me- we are just having a lot of problems at the moment and he can be mean at times). But there is a little, damaged part of me that does believe that I am not 100% worthy. I do not like to blame my behaviors or issues on other people, but I know that these feelings about myself stem from my alcoholic father and mentally abusive ex-husband.

But, I also know that a lot of how I feel comes from my own choices and I could have made better ones throughout my life so far. This blog is more of a stream of consciousness, so excuse my musings, but sometimes I just wonder why I feel that way about myself, yet I think that my sister and my friends deserve to be treated like queens???

Ps- I wasn’t going to post this bc I usually edit what I write a lot more, but the whole reason I started this blog was to be honest- with others and myself.

7 comments on “Wondering…do some people just deserve more?

  1. Anya says:

    Hi, I am single so not speaking from vast experience or anything but from my perspective you have to love yourself. Loving yourself sets the stage for you to be able to find someone who is also healthy and will therefore treat you well. When we love ourselves we don’t accept abuse or poor treatment from others. If we can’t change the person’s behaviour it’s our job to know when to leave. People treat us the way we allow them to. If we love and value ourselves though most will pick up on this and not treat us poorly. When we’re with someone who doesn’t value us then you have to figure out if the person will change their behaviour for you or not. Do whatever honours you and leaves you feeling respected and worthy at the end of the day.

    P.S. I have a dysfunctional, abusive family so know how difficult it is to feel like you matter. I’ve been in therapy since I was 18 and am just finally beginning to value myself. Before I felt worthless so just avoided relationships altogether. You deserve a loving relationship with someone as much as anyone else! Don’t sell yourself short.

    PPS I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds offering you my opinion.

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    • Anya, your response means so much to me and I really had to read it a few times for it to sink in. I have read other writing similar to what you wrote, but you really put it so simply and so well that it hit home with me in a new way. I agree with you so much and I know that I am really a work in progress when it comes to believing in myself. I think abuse has been a part of my life for so long that I am vulnerable to accepting being treated badly. I know that is not ok and the moment I was finally strong enough to get divorced was when I realized that I loved myself more than I loved him.

      But, yes, like you wrote…we teach people how to treat us and I guess I have not done a great job of doing that (which is ironic bc I am a teacher lol). I am not feeling very respected right now and I know that the only thing that can change that is me.

      Thank you again for taking so much time to write your response- I really appreciate it more than you know!!

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      • Anya says:

        You’re very welcome 🙂 I’m glad I didn’t offend you offering my opinion/advice. Since I’m no expert I wasn’t sure if I should say anything but I have dealt with the feelings you mentioned. Abusive upbringings can really do a number on our self esteem 😦

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      • TwistedPippi says:

        I think we compare ourselves to others b/c we didn’t have good relationships as a role model/example. We guess at what is normal so comparison is a way f life…part of trying to figure it all out.

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        • Besides just getting my feelings “down on paper” (so to speak), this is my favorite part about having a blog- comments like yours. Sometimes we don’t see the things that are right in our faces and it just takes someone stating it in a certain way for it to make sense. I never thought about that being the reason why I compare myself to others….one of my biggest issues is blaming my mother (in that I don’t blame her for staying married to my dad and keeping us in that situation). She was a wonderful mother, but you are right in that she was not a great role model as a “woman in a relationship with a man” and their marriage was certainly an example of what NOT to do. It is funny to think of her that way because I just think of her as “mom”. Thank you (yet again) for taking the time to post a comment!!

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  2. While I haven’t been in a serious relationship I have thought a lot about what it would take to build a solid one. No matter how I look at it a big stepping stone appears to be honesty. Honesty is scary because being honest can mean hurting someones feelings. Especially true if a person wasn’t honest from the beginning. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the moment and tell a little white lie. Then that little lie sits there, slowly eating away. We want to tell the truth but fear facing the consequences. The bigger the lie, the deeper it gnaws at us. The longer the lie sits, the harder it becomes to face it.

    That’s how I see things with my experience at least.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Do Nothing Daughter says:

      I completely agree. Without honesty you have nothing. And I think that is in any relationship- not just romantic ones. Thank you for your introspective comment!!

      Like

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