Hey, Jealousy

I’ve been having a really rough week. My boyfriend is away on a tropical island with his parents scuba diving (I am excited for him to do this). I was invited to go, but because of my fear of flying, I passed on the opportunity (I know my disappointment in myself over this decision is causing a lot of my depression).

So, I have always had a hard time with my boyfriend talking to other girls on Facebook. I do trust him, he really is a good guy, but I have developed this weird insecurity. When I was previously married, I was never insecure or jealous. But I think I had some experiences after my divorce that caused me to have some trust issues. I also am not very self-confident in myself.

While on this tropical island, my boyfriend met a beautiful blonde photographer on their dive boat and then became friends with her on Facebook (he is still there now). I kind of freaked out for two reasons: one being my insecurity and feeling so vulnerable with him gone and two being that I really do think that it is inappropriate to do something like that when you are in a committed relationship. He knows that I was sad about him being away and he knows I get upset when he does things like that on Facebook, so it felt like a betrayal.

I talked to my sister for a long time about it last night. She said I need to be more realistic (because of course in my mind I am picturing this girl in a bikini running in slow motion towards my boyfriend…my imagination is getting the best of me, obviously). But we also talked a lot about my problems with self-confidence. I do think a lot of my problems stem from that. I wrote an earlier post about my difficulty making decisions and I think a big part of that relates to this: I am simply not confident in myself to make a decision and stick to it. Also, when in an argument (for example the one that arose once I told my boyfriend I was upset about the island girl), I tend to back down instead of standing up for what I really believe. I know that part of this is habit from when I was married and my husband was not a fair fighter- he had a remarkable gift of turning everything around on me.

So, I am torn. I am still really upset about this issue (he then “liked” a photo of her in a bikini…awesome) but I also don’t want to drive my boyfriend away with my insecurity. The thing is, I don’t really have self-esteem issues: I know I am pretty, I am successful, I own my own home, I have great friends, etc, etc…I just don’t know how to become more self-confident and not let things bother me so much. I have been a weepy, insecure mess for the past couple of months and I know that is not an attractive quality in a girlfriend. I need to find a way to stand up for what I believe if I think he is wrong, while also not coming across like a psychopath (there must be some kind of fine line between the two).

So, anyone ever struggle with this? I have already read “Why Men Love Bitches” (a gift from one of my former students after my divorce lol). I feel crazy and it is making me really depressed.

6 comments on “Hey, Jealousy

  1. Okay, so I’m a pilot and the whole fear of flying thing does not apply to me, but I am wondering if this is a way for you to turn it around on him. Here’s the thing. You were invited to go. Now you’re mad because he went and had fun. Did you want him to be miserable? If you really want to keep this guy, work on your fear of flying and go next time. Be the one in the bikini.

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    • raspberry89 says:

      I completely agree! I think you really need to build your self confidence before entering into a relationship with insecurities. Not only is it unfair to him, its unfair to you. And that a little scary that you tend to back down. If it bothers you should let him know. You should always communicate your feelings. Like kathy said, you should also make the effort. I understand fear of flying, but if you take a plane trip with him next time he will know that you did it for him and it will make him feel special.

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      • Thank you so much for replying. I know that entering into a relationship with an issue like this is not great, but honestly I didn’t really feel like this at the beginning. After I got divorced, I spent a whole year focusing on myself and getting stronger and happier and healthier. It is almost like the more I started to care for him, the more I started to feel insecure…maybe just afraid to get hurt again? I don’t know.

        But I do want to overcome this fear- it has negatively affected my life for many years.

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    • Kathy, thank you! I do realize that my feelings are a little immature. One good thing about myself is that I am pretty self-aware. I really tried to be excited for him before he left for the trip, but I knew that my feelings were because of me, not him. Since you are a pilot, perhaps you have some suggestions on how to overcome this fear? I have been in therapy for years, take meds, etc. My fear is not about the plane or flying itself, it is about having a panic attack on the plane or not being able to get off the plane (its like a control thing). Someone recently recommended hypnotherapy…I have flown before and I did fly over the summer to go on vacation with him, but even doing that didn’t really help me lose the fear completely.

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  2. Hypnotherapy isn’t a bad idea. NLP works, too – I’ve tried it for Post Traumatic Stress incidents and liked it.

    I understand the lack of control part, and wonder if some of it is claustrophobia? Some of the airline pilots I flew with had issues involving heights or claustrophobia. It was a case of feeling the fear and doing it anyway. We are all afraid.

    I hate roller coasters, but love aerobatics. It is that illusion of control. The truth is, we are never in control. We work our whole lives trying to be in control when we never are. I have tried to talk to people about their fear of flying, and I have to say, I don’t think it has ever worked. People are pretty attached to their fears emotionally. Talk therapy works wonders for me – I like logic, and can process something better that way.

    I know you don’t think it is a real fear of flying, but your panic attacks might be telling you otherwise. Mimi Tompkins and Al Haynes used to teach a course on Fear of Flying, because they both had inciting incidents as pilots, but I can’t find their course.

    I did find this: http://www.fearofflying.com

    It is a course that I would like to watch/buy because it appears to delve deeper than the “This is how a plane stays in the air” and “flying is safe” approach. After last months meteor collision, my comparison of how safe flying is versus being hit by a meteor lost some of its impact, so I need a new line!

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  3. TwistedPippi says:

    I don’t like that he did those things, espesh if he knows u don’t like it. So u have a fear of flying. So wat!? U didn’t stop him from going, u said go ahead.
    And he preys on your insecurity by liking a pic of a girl in a bikini. No me gusta. To me, I would perceive that as ignoring my boundaries…or simply disrespecting them. What’s next? U say it makes u uncomfortable and he says oh it’s not a big deal, u need to get over it? Anyway, just try and listen to ur belly. The most secure girl in the world wouldn’t be doing cartwheels over their bf liking a bikini shot. Just sayin. That has a hint of sexuality in it to me. We’re there other pics he could have liked? How about not liking any pics of hot blondes on vaca without u? It’s not unreasonable. I swear.

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