I hate change. Like, despise it. I know most people are not too keen about making changes, but I think I have a harder time than most adapting to them. From big things, like where I live, to little things, like what I eat, I tend to just stay consistent and static. I could probably eat the same thing every single day and be perfectly okay with it (grilled cheese!).
I am in a long-distance relationship and he is willing to move to my house so we can be together. It’s exciting, but also really scary because I have been living alone for almost four years. When it comes to my living situation, I really notice my reluctance to change. I think it is because I have never been 100% happy or satisfied with my prior living arrangements and living alone has been a very pleasant experience. Four years ago, I went through a complicated divorce. That was a huge change in itself, but I made the decision to buy him out of our house, mostly because I just was comfortable here. So at age 30, I became a divorced, single home owner. It is really hard to think about all the changes and compromises I would have to make if I was living with another person. I like being able to eat Eggo waffles for dinner and talk to my two cats like they are human and leave dishes in the sink for days (if I sound like a crazy cat lady…I kind of am…but the cool sexy kind, not the grungy bathrobe kind-lol).
I do know, though, that the reason I like living alone and why I really DETEST change is that my life is predictable. And that, my friends, is the opposite of what life was like living in a house with an alcoholic. Every day, I never knew which version of my dad would walk in the door after work, which one we would eat dinner with. When he first started drinking heavily, my father was like Jekyll and Hyde and it was really scary and unnerving. Forgetting to empty the dishwasher was no biggie one day and the end of the world another. By the time I moved out at 22, my dad had become much more predictable…he was just drunk and mean most of the time. But for many years, I walked on eggshells trying to keep the peace at all costs.
And now, my house is calm and quiet and even though it is lonely at times, it is safe. And I am not sure I am ready to give that up, even for love.