I think my father was a telegram machine in his past life.  You didn’t read that incorrectly…I don’t mean a person who reads or writes telegrams, but that he was the actual machine.  It is the only explanation for his emails.

My dad’s alcoholism and his understanding of how to use technology grew at pretty much the same pace.  Which meant that once I moved out of my parent’s house and was no longer affected by his constant screaming rants, I was subjected to his incessant emails.  I am not the only lucky recipient.  He copies my sister, my mother, sometimes my aunt or uncle, old friends, his financial advisor…it is so strange and these people must think he is bat shit crazy.  I am just used to it until I show it to someone else and see their reaction.  The emails are one thing, the voicemails are an entirely different thing (different blog!).  So you can truly experience the bizarre, warped mind of my father, I am copying one of his latest emails:

HI ALL!   You guys –  No help here as usual?!   I always wait or Mom first!   Your calls and times?  You guys?   And,  go and help someone else that you care about??   I wait first for Mom and then you guys, etc..  JOKE!!    This is fast a recap as I can do now.  In – No order and from notes and my memory.  The recroom XMAS Tree all done and other stuff.  Just small lights. I replaced (8).  I guess no glass bulbs, no tincle, etc.   Tons more.  Years ago.   Mom – no clue.    More to pickup, etc.  Put away the glass blocks- I guess she forgot the one to take to her office today?  I bought Drill Bits and drilled out (12) + blocks and ordered and I did the lights?  Not sure know if she knows anything and what she is doing.  If you know- let me Know!   Has Mom done nothing for her plans?  You guys?  Party,  NYC  –  XMAS show,  Bunko, etc…  All the (insert my mom’s best friend’s name here) stuff?  I just wait for Mom…  I think Mom going out later this week for a work XMAS deal and over night in NY?  A fun deal !   Have you guys seen or know any thing?  I just wait????  Please? I give up!!
$120.00 Dec. car ins.  Other loan stuff pending.   Love,  Dad   XXX.
Were you hearing the word “stop” after each sentence in your head?  This was one of the very nicest emails- no real insults or anything.  But it is still so weird and so annoying.  And as my boyfriend (the genius who came up with the idea for a separate “dad only” email account) likes to point out, “why does he write XXX?”  It is going to take quite a while for me to get to that part of my dad’s personality, but sometimes I think he lumps my mother, sister and I into one person and forgets who he is talking to.  He also ends each one with “love dad, (and his name).  I’m 34 and pretty sure I know your name, dad.
Anyway, there’s exactly 978 more of those where that came from…needless to say, I only skim through them once a week.  As an English teacher, I have enough bad writing to read from my high school students :)

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